Friday, March 25, 2011

All or Nothing

Gaaaaah - does anyone else suffer from the "all or nothing" food mentality?  I've been so bad these past few days...I'm out of sorts because we've had some work-related events that have taken me out of my normal routine and I've been...let's just say...indulging?  One thing that I find is that if I slip up on my eating, I can't just let it go and get back to it for the next meal...I always figure I've blown the day so I may as well go big.  Go big or go home, right?  The last few days I've made bad food choices first thing, so then I completely blow the rest of the day.  And it's weird, because even as I write this, I'm still snacking and nibbling.  Oh, le sigh.  At least I've kept up with the workouts (I did miss one though) so all's not lost.

So...back at the 30 Day Writing Challenge!  Yep, still doing you've probably figured out, I'm  not doing it consecutive days, but kind of interspersing it throughout the blog. 

Day 5 - a time you thought about ending your own life.  Hmmm, heavy topic.  I'd say there were two black periods in my life...the first is my TSN turning point time and another period when I was around twenty.  Now as bad as my TSN time was, I never ever considered ending my own life because even though it sucked, I knew I had an amazing support system of family and friends around me.  I never, ever felt alone.   The friends I have now?  These are people who I know I can put my life in their hands, and they'll come through for me.  My parents are understanding and really good to me.  Hubs is like my rock and supports me completely.  The other black period...well...not so much.  I was meandering around, completely unsure what I was going to do with my life.  I wasn't at ease with who I was, and lacked confidence in every facet of my life...I honestly thought I was stupid and would never amount to anything.  I felt like the gawkiest, nerdiest and most unattractive person who walked the face of this earth.  I had people in my life who I called my friends, but...well to put it simply, they were pretty mean to me.  I fought with my mom constantly around then.  I remember withdrawing a lot, and would go for long drives all over town just thinking because I really had no one to talk to.  I recall a few times thinking that life sure sucked, and one would miss me anyways, right?  I'd lost my way.  A friend's dad had done the deed by carbon monoxide in his car and I remember thinking that it would be a painless and easy way to go. 

Well, thank goodness that I'm a big old chicken!!  I couldn't bring myself to do the deed mostly because I just couldn't do that to my mom...she would have just been devastated.  And after a while, things started to look up.  A year or so later I met Hubs, and started getting my shizz together.  I went back to school and figured out that I wasn't stupid at all and moved towards my current career.  I started meeting new people, and have people now in my life who are going to be my friends forever.  I didn't completely dump those old friends, but I know clearly what type of priority they have in my life and what type of people they are.  My relationship with my mom started to improve.  In short, life started to get better.  In retrospect, I'm so glad that I was a chicken!

So there you go.  I don't love thinking about this period because honestly it sucked. So with this, I'm closing that part of my memory bank forever because life is too short to dwell on the crappy stuff.  I've got too many races to run, too much food to try and too many things to do on my bucket list, right?  Ha!

1 comment:

Kathryn said...

Cindy, I'm so with ya on the all or nothing - if I start the day off poorly, I'm screwed for the rest of the day (and usually a few days afterwards!)

Glad to hear you got through such a rough time in your life. You sound like a strong person!